


Easy

by Furare



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, Gen, POV Second Person, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3753667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furare/pseuds/Furare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there just aren't any easy options.  Or any right ones, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Easy

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally published on 24th January 2005 under the name “What is right and what is easy”. It’s a character study that, despite pre-dating the release of both Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows, actually still fits fairly well with the canon depiction and events. Oh, and I wrote it in the second person. I don’t know why.

You don't remember when this started, but you know it's ending soon. One way or another, it _has_ to end. You can't take much more of this. No one could. Something has to give. You can't go on like this, can't live with this perpetual uncertainty. You change your mind a hundred times a day. The hour of reckoning draws ever closer and you still don't know what you're going to do, which path you're going to take.

No one else finds it as hard as you do. You aren't sure how or why, but everyone except you seems to know already which side they're on. Sometimes you feel like they're all watching you, waiting for you to make your choice. And you just don't know. You've never been good at making decisions. Not _your own_ decisions. That's the problem, isn't it? Back when you were a child, a team picked you, and you were happy enough to go along with it then. But now? You're not a child anymore, and you don't think that you want to play.

That's the thing. You don't want to change sides. You just don't want to have anything to do with the game at all. But everyone is a part of _this_ game, whether they want to be or not. Running and hiding won't do you any good. Look at what it did to Karkaroff. Nowhere you could run would be far enough, and you can't hide from life. You know you have to make a choice, fight for one side or the other, or else you'll find that everyone is against you. There is no neutral here, and there will be no mercy.

And so you know you have to choose, but you have no idea what you really want. Words like _good_ and _evil_ mean nothing to you. You don't believe that either of them actually exists. Not in the real world, in the real people you see every day. You know Potter, the so-called hero, and you've seen him for what he really is: foolhardy, arrogant, rude, careless, sometimes even cruel. Your father's evil, or that's what they tell you. But to you he's the man who loved you as a child, who still loves you, who spoils you rotten, even if he does want to force your hand in this big decision.

You know everyone, and you know that none of them are what they are meant to be. No one is as black or white as they're painted. Nothing is ever that simple. _Life_ isn't that simple. You know that - it's one of the few things you _do_ know for sure - but it doesn't help. Knowing about other people won't help you.  How could it?  You don't know yourself, your own mind, and until you do, nothing else matters.  It's all pointless, worthless.

All this time you've acted like you know who you are, like you've thrown in your lot with your father and the Dark Lord. And they've believed it. You've told the lie so well that now there's nowhere you can turn for help. No one outside of your House would trust you, and no one within it would care. They'd tell you about your _duty_ , just the same as your father does. But you don't care about duty, not anymore. You want to do what's right for you. You don't want to end up regretting your actions - assuming you live long enough to regret them.

There is _one_ way out that you can see. The only way to avoid making a choice is to get out of the game. End it. End everything. Go somewhere even the Dark Lord would be too afraid to chase you - if you're not too afraid to go. It's a disturbing idea, but... but then everything would stop. You'd be _free_. And sometimes you think that's the only thing you really want, now. A way out. Dare you take it?

Your father would call you weak. A coward. A fool. Which... let him say the words he thinks he ought to say. It doesn't make them true. And the truth is that no one else can really understand you. It's so _easy_ for them. How could they ever understand? With the burden you're under... how much longer before something cracks, and that something is you? Exactly how far gone do you have to be before you hurl yourself out of the highest window you can find?

You just don't know.

The seventh floor corridor isn't quite deserted. People keep looking at you strangely. You realise, numbly, that it's because you're alone. No one's there with you, either to protect you or to spy on you. How many times have you ever walked alone?

You open the window and lean out, not far enough to overbalance, but far enough to test yourself. The breeze cools your face and whips through your hair. You stand there on the edge, looking down, and you feel strangely sick. Flying was never a problem for you. It never affected you like this. You never thought about how far up you were then, not once. But now, the sheer distance between you and the ground frightens you. If you did... lean forward and let go, you wouldn't survive it. It would break you. But maybe then you'd be free.

And you know that, if you were to try to do it, no one would stop you. No one would care. No one would miss you. Except your father - and he's evil, so he can't feel anything, can he? But you know that's not true. If you were to do this, it would kill him. Not just suicide, but murder.

You know what you have to do. You _can't_ go on like this - you can't, it won't last - but for today, you pull the window closed, separating yourself from the fall. The temptation is still there, though. Maybe it always will be. Maybe it will get stronger and stronger until, one day, you give in. Maybe someday you _will_ take that way out. The easy way out. The only way out.

But for now, the two paths still lie before you. A choice still waiting to be made. And the window is closed. For now.


End file.
